These are just some things ive written out during certain points in my life. This is a very scary thing for me because I normally dont let ppl see the personal stuff I write because I feel like they would get to close to me and see me for who I am and I feel like it would lead me into being hurt....but im giving it a shot and putting myself out there lets hope it doesnt back fire......
Back to the basics of me- September 10,2010
Staring in the mirror i dont recognize this person ive become. All i want to do is take my fist and punch the image i see....and i think really would that really be so bad???? When did i take this turn... I used to be so happy, loving, confident and strong. I didnt care how others saw me because i was happy with me i knew me and thats all that mattered...when did i let that change...where did this angry heartbroken person come from? I feel like i lost myself always taking care of how everyone else feels and picking them up when they fall.I hate how i feel that i have to censor myself because of what others think! Like i shouldnt feel a certain way because it might hurt someone else. How is that fair to me. By doing that im only hurting myself. I walk around with a smile on my face and laughing the days away and what hurts the most is that no one but me can see the pain thats hidden underneath. I just want someone to look at me and tell me its ok to fall apart. I want someone to be there to pick me up and not leave when things get tough. I want someone to see me for me..and not how they want me to be... But most importantly i just wanna get back to the basics of me! But for now i stare in the mirror...smile on my face and ready to start the day with the stranger ive become.
Cold Heart - June 30, 2011
I may have a cold heart but thats due to the lack of one in you. Im getting so good at this fake happy life I almost believed it myself.Those closest to me cant see the pain. I look in the mirror and tears flood my eyes, why cant you see the pain? One look into your eyes and I almost give it away, but no I choke it back, swallow the lump in my throat and bottle the pain back up behind the walls ive built up. I tell myself, You've done something to deserve it...that many years and no one noticed....you had to have deserved it. No one would believe you anyway, look at the lies youve built for yourself why would this be any different. I hate the night time and being alone, left with nothing but my thoughts. Some days I just want to give up, break down...but that would be considered weak and unacceptable, always been told to put on a brave face and be strong, do what you have to to push past the hurt and the pain. Being to emotional is not acceptable, maybe thats why I have the hardest time to express even the tinyest emotion. Never let anyone get to close, cant get hurt that way. I hate this emptyness inside me, I hate that you cant see it. Then again maybe thats not so bad, to be that vulnerable because really who could love something that damaged, but then again are you truely loved now so would it really make a diffrence?
I really like this song and it hits a spot with me....so i thought it was fitting with this blog...hope you enjoy...
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